Thoughts on Singleness, Sacrifice and Celebrating: a follow up to "Contentment in Singleness"

[NOTE: This is a guest post from Noelle Goodlin. She is theMILL Women's Pastor.  She has a Masters in Counseling, a B.A. in Psychology & Literature and a husband named Jacob.]

It seems that I may have struck a chord! Aaron was gracious enough to give me the floor one more time to offer a response to some of the ideas raised by my post "Contentment in Singleness: is it possible?".

First, let me begin by acknowledging that the issues of marriage and singleness are complex and not easily addressed within one blog. This subject is one that has been covered so many times that it can be difficult to separate out what the Bible has to say with the hundreds of other voices weighing in on the subject. Many of us may have painful memories, emotions, insecurities, failures and successes attached to these topics. As with everything that engages our hearts, this subject is deeply personal and I would never presume to speak as if I have all the answers – I do not. With that said, here are a few follow-up responses:

Sacrifice Marriage for Christ. Should we be willing to be single for the cause of Christ? Yes. To give one’s life to Christ is to live completely surrendered to Him. Any desire takes second to the desire for God’s lordship. However, marriage is not an American or a man-made idea. It is God’s idea. For thousands of years, families have created an environment where God’s ways of love, truth, forgiveness and faithfulness can be witnessed day in, day out. I believe both marriage and singleness can advance the kingdom of God and both can be, and are, sacrificial if lived correctly. 

Are All Our Desires Fulfilled? No…at least not in this life.  I do believe it is possible to desire marriage and not know when or if it will be fulfilled. As I said originally, living with that unknown in any area of life propels us to deeper places of trust and surrender to God in which our heart’s cry becomes, “I want You, God, most of all.”

Is the Desire for Marriage Simply Lust in Disguise? No! I believe any desire allowed to run rampant in our hearts can become lustful. That was my precise reason for writing the blog – I experienced a longing for marriage that threatened to rule me. My journey was one of letting that desire find its proper place through trusting God. Are some people lusting for marriage? Probably. Does that mean the desire for marriage is the same as lust? I don’t think so.

Celebrating Singleness. I do believe that singleness should be more celebrated within the church than it is.  There is a temptation to believe that marriage equals arrival within Christian culture. A person’s relationship status does not indicate something about their value or worth to the body of Christ. A few of my best friends are single and I can’t imagine my life without them. It is who they are – not their marriage status – that makes them invaluable to me.

Finally, I have spent the last several years pastoring MILL girls and I find them to be full of purpose, willing to grow, servant-oriented and in love with God.  I love them very much and believe that Christ is at work in them.

Comments

[Bekah Ham]

Noelle,
Thanks for posting these articles. I appreciate your wisdom and insight! Although there has been alot of controversy over your posts, I can't help but think how grateful I am to be surrounded by theMILL community that can think deeply and have discussions about topics like this (even if some of it is off-base). It is refreshing...thank you!

[Kortnee]

Noelle, thank you for sharing your heart with such grace and humility! I am encouraged by both your posts and your desire to see others grow in an arena that is endlessly attacked and unbalanced.

My hope is that the wisdom and insight you impart for our good would not be clouded by experience, hurt, cultural norms, or ignorance brought by a fallen world; and that this blogging community may learn to always season our speech with grace.

[Jeff]

Noelle, as a life-long single guy in his mid-30s that would love to have a family, let me offer a simple-but-full "Amen" to both of your posts (although I thought the original post spoke well enough, despite some of the feedback). I've been at peace in the midst of my ongoing desire to have a family for a few years now, and I could identify my process and the peace I've come to in what you wrote (including getting past the "you'll find true love when you stop looking for it" canard; I "stopped" about ten years ago.)

To those who had complaints about your original piece, well, as valid as some of their points were, it felt to me as if they were transferring their own feelings and experiences onto your piece (but were not applicable to what you actually wrote). People, you can't expect any one article to be an end-all, be-all manifesto. We can't look to others (writers, pastors, counselors) to work out our salvation/walk for us. We have to work out our own salvations. I, for one, am grateful for writers like Noelle who can add to my working along the way.

An additional thought. While the Christian culture in general doesn't nurture the state of Singlehood as well as it should, as I man I have to say that single women generally bear the bigger burden in our Christian culture. As much as I don't like the hassle of some of the perceptions made of me and my singlehood, I'm glad I don't have to carry the cultural burden often hoisted upon Christian women. I'm just glad there are people out there like Noelle who are changing that cultural paradigm for the better, for the right, and thank you, Aaron, for giving her a voice on your blog.