A few weeks ago, my wife Jossie and I had the privilege of talking to Air Force Academy cadets at a MILL small group called GodChasers. We shared the story of how we met, dated and got married, followed by answering questions written on 3X5 cards. We took about 45 minutes to answer as many as we could but, inevitably, there wasn’t enough time to answer them all. So here are my responses to some of the ones that went unanswered.
What is the most important advice you can give for a long-distance relationship?
I know several people who don’t like long-distance relationships – they are a lot of work and can be a hassle. However, I actually think that there are several benefits to dating from a distance. Talking on the phone or interacting online requires the development of one of the most important variables in a relationship – communication. Without the “distractions” of things to do and places to go, the only thing you have left is what you talk about. Such a heavy emphasis on talking requires diligent work on communicating thoroughly and clearly, establishing expectations and resolving conflicts. From my perspective, if things don’t work long-distance, they likely wouldn’t work living in the same city. That being said, if the relationship is going towards marriage, I recommend that you have a good period of time together in the same city prior to marriage (3-6 months minimum). Though developing good communication is important, it can’t replace that which is learned as you interact in person on a daily basis.
What is the best way to distinguish between our voice and the Holy Spirit when pursuing a girl?
You can’t! Your emotions blur your vision. This is why it is so important to have solid, trusted community in your life. Proverbs 19:20-21 says “Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.” If you are wondering if you should move forward in a relationship, ask trusted friends and leaders for honest input. Their vantage point is one you will never have about your own life. (That means if you don’t hear what you want to, don’t scoff at them). There is great safety in involving friends in your relationships from the beginning; plus, it sets a good precedent if that relationship does get the green light.
I believe that it’s a bad idea to date anyone you can’t marry. What do you think?
I agree. Dating with the knowledge that the relationship doesn’t have a long-term future is dangerous. I have heard the “we are just hanging out” line over and over. The problem with “just hanging out” is that, when you spend extended time with someone, you often begin to like him. That leads to problem two: the person you like is often the person with whom you fall in love. So now you are in love with someone you don’t want to marry…that’s dangerous. So when you know the person you are dating is not the one you would like to spend the rest of your life with, end it. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion), it should take no longer than 6-9 months of dating someone to know if you should marry them.
Do you believe in full disclosure in your relationship about your life before you get married?
Yes. This does not mean that you need to share all details on the first date (that might scare someone off!) but at least during the engagement season all should be on the table. You and your spouse deserve the full knowledge of the person with whom you are entering a life-long covenant. Doing so sets a culture of honesty and openness in your relationship for the long haul.
What if you want to be married, but never think about it except once every blue moon? Is that okay? What does it mean if you don’t care much about marriage or really pray about it in the meantime?
I think you are totally fine. Marriage is about God’s timing, so not worrying about it might actually be a good thing. Just make sure you are open to someone entering your life -- even when you least expect it.
If you have no desire for marriage now or in the future, you may also want to consider and pray about if you have the gift of singleness. The vast majority of people do not have this gift and even the thought of being single for life causes a breakout in hives. However, the apostle Paul says these individuals are to be celebrated (I Corinthians 7). Here are few things that may indicate that you might have this gift.
-You don’t have a burning desire to get married.
-You are completely satisfied being single.
-You aren’t frustrated that you won’t have sex.
If you are praying that you don’t have the gift, chances are that you probably don’t!
We often think we can work on relationships, but relationships are simply the result of two people connecting and the energy that flows between them. So if your relationship is not what you would like it to be, the only thing you can work on is yourself.
Posted by: Visit Liebes Platz | December 13, 2012 at 06:51 AM
This is informative! Thanks for sharing this. I'll tell this to my friends.
Posted by: College Dating | June 15, 2012 at 03:49 AM
It is an understandably difficult commitment to honor if you and your sweetheart decide to keep the relationship going while you are apart. Difficult but not impossible.
Posted by: relationships advice | March 15, 2011 at 01:16 AM
Great post. It's really helping me while my husband is away in the war. Thank you for helping me stay strong. This article was also useful for getting through the lonely times.
Posted by: cindy | November 04, 2009 at 12:25 PM
its really a gift of singleness if you didnt have any desire to get married or if your not happy with the relationship you have now, commitment counts a lot but if not comfortable to pursue this its better than not.
Posted by: boquet | August 29, 2009 at 12:10 AM
Like any relationship, long distance relationships require effort for them to succeed. Where your relationship differs from a normal relationship, is the fact that you have time to live for yourself. How many couples do you know of, who complain that they never have time for themselves. As with any sort of relationship, there are undoubtedly times where frustrations start creeping in. The quality time that you spend together, probably on the end of a telephone line can quickly end up in mind games, destroying the small amount of time you do get to be close together. If the wonders do start creeping up on you, remember that your relationship is built on trust, love and respect.
Posted by: paroquiademontelavar.org | July 07, 2009 at 04:10 PM
Scott - miss you here in Colorado. Thanks for offering your wisdom and experiences. The key is always making sure that relationships are God-centered and directed by the Holy Spirit. Come back and visit sometime.
Daniel T - our pleasure. I'm sure we will be back again sometime.
Sarah - I don’t know the specifics of your relationship, but my guess is that there is something else that you don’t know about. When things are on a trajectory of forward progress, people don’t change out of the blue for no reason. I answered the rest of your questions on the blog post - Break-ups, selfishness, and friendlationships.
Genesis - yes He does.
Carly - thanks. You and Grant rock! So great to have you guys around theMILL!
j - so glad to be a source of wisdom for you. Hope things go well as you adjust to a long-distance relationship.
Geno - Good job holding loosely to what you thought things were going to look like. The goal is always to surrender ourselves to God and His plans for our lives no matter what that looks like.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | April 06, 2009 at 01:18 PM
Hey Aaron, Scott Gross here I attended the Mill from 2002-2007 and was among the 10 different people who founded God Chasers. Thank you for continuing to plug into that group. What a blessing you have been in my life and thousands of others.
I would just like to offer up my services to anyone who is in a long distance relationship and needs counsel. I went to the Academy have been involved in a few Long distance relationships myself.
I am currently engaged to be married to a girl that I have been in a long distance relationship with for over a year now. The challenges we have faced have been many, but the growth Christ has brought to our character, relationship to Him, and relationship with each other, has been the greatest gift we have ever received.
Sarah and I did not exactly follow all the advice you presented above, but the one thing we did do and continue to do is place Christ first in all that we do and before one another.
Because we did this both Sarah and I have been able to cancel out the noise of our own personal desires and hear the Holy Spirit calling for our life together.
You are absolutely right by saying communication is something that is greatly improved from a long distance relationship.
Sarah and I still have a long way to go in this great blessing and adventure called marriage. We are excited for what is ahead and confident that as long as our eyes stay focused on Glorifying His name in all that we do, we will succeed and so will others around us.
[email protected]
Posted by: Scott Gross | April 02, 2009 at 02:34 AM
Great stuff...Thanks again to you and Jossie for coming out to talk with us. You're welcome back anytime!
Posted by: Daniel T. | March 30, 2009 at 10:31 PM
Can it be true that if you love someone and they love you, or there is a deep caring likeness (close to love but not love) between the two of you, that one person can suddenly stop feeling that way, or stop feeling that way in a short amount of time? Or are there usually other things that maybe the other may not know about that ended the relationship?
Is it possible to become friends after a break-up?
Also, what are some helpful ways to overcome breakups in which, someone breaks up with you but you still love them?
I really like what you wrote here, but I guess I would like just some guidance with some things that have been hurting my heart lately and I don't quite know how to cope with. Thanks for your great words.
Posted by: Sarah | March 28, 2009 at 07:53 PM
God makes everything beautiful in His time <3
Posted by: genesis | March 26, 2009 at 08:30 PM
Love this! Great wisdom here! Thanks for sharing! You rock!
Posted by: Carly Barron | March 26, 2009 at 04:05 PM
aaron, i cannot tell you how much i needed this blog today! i have been dating this guy for a while now and God has called him to move. we have been debating about what we are going to do once he leaves, as we both aren't crazy about the idea of long distance. we have both had bad experiences with long distance, and because of that found it really hard to find anything to be possitive about in regards to long distance. i have been praying like crazy for wisdom and Godly insite as to what we should do, and when i saw this blog i got goose bumps and feel as if God was confirming things in my heart that He has been gently telling me for a while now. i cant see the future, and don't know what will happen, but i do know that God has both of us in His hands and wants the best for both of us- whether that is a future together or not. He knows what we need better than we do- and i am so thankful for that! but thank you for sharing this blog. it has blessed me today more than you know! thank you!
Posted by: j | March 26, 2009 at 12:58 PM
i totally agree with what was said! i experianced being gifted in singleness but when i was ok with it for life; God asked me to give it up! i believe that God's timing is totally perfect; he knows our hearts n motives! Thanks Aaron for sharing!
Posted by: Geno | March 25, 2009 at 10:38 PM