I do a lot of premarital counseling. I enjoy poking and prodding to find red flags, current issues and potential hurdles. I often find myself pushing through the normal rosy veneer of romantic idealism and fairytale expectations. This plays itself out in the belief that the marriage will be as perfect as the wedding because of the deep love they have for one another.
Not quite as often but every now and then I do marriage counseling for couples in crisis. Some are ready to throw in the towel, others are shocked that things are heading toward the cliff, and the very newly married are surprised by the challenges they have already faced. In any case, they need help. The issues are endless from respect to roles, fidelity to finances.
I know none of these couples walked down the aisle thinking “I am going to cheat on my spouse in a few years,” or “I am looking forward to going off the emotional deep end and creating havoc for years to come,” or “Won’t it be great to do this again when this doesn’t work out.” They all said “I do” with the belief that they would live happily ever after.
So where did things go awry?
I wonder if they locked into the idea that their love for one another and hope for a bright future is all they needed. Though important, a great marriage takes more than strong feelings and good intentions. It requires work.
Jossie and I have been married for thirteen years and have an incredible relationship. We love being married and entered our wedding day with the same rose colored glasses as everyone else (just ask our premarital counselor). That doesn’t mean our relationship has always been a stroll in the park. We have continually chosen to invest energy and effort into our marriage.
Here are a few big ideas which we incorporated early on that have proven extremely helpful in establishing a strong, lasting relationship.
Always be Learning and Growing. Just because the wedding bells have rung, the bouquet has been tossed and sex is a reality doesn’t mean all hills have been climbed. Never think there is nothing new to learn about your spouse or that you have the marriage thing down. With the pressing nature of family, jobs, finances and the “honey do” list, the enrichment of marriage can easily take a back seat. Read books, go to marriage conferences, attend a marriage retreat – there are loads of ways to learn how to be a better spouse. The opportunities to serve, love and communicate are always there.
Invest Your Energy in the Right Places. Our natural tendency often is to spend energy on scrutinizing your spouse rather than taking responsibility for what you have control over. Look at what you can change, where you might be wrong and how you can apologize (you can always say sorry for something!). Doing so takes humility. It is easier to find the reasons why my spouse’s actions make my response justifiable. Stop playing the victim and pointing the finger -- be the change you want to see.
Deal with the Issues. Don’t deny them, brush them under the rug, avoid them or use them against each other. Face them head on. When there is a problem, go after it like it could destroy your marriage…because it could. Problems that don’t get addressed will fester and can eventually undermine the foundations of love, trust and commitment upon which your relationship is built. I am a “do whatever it takes kind of guy” and I have the same attitude towards issues that arise in our marriage whether it be conflict, different expectations or complacency. Talk it through, pray, seek wise counsel, read a book on the subject, go to counseling -- do whatever it takes! Did you know that 70% of couples who go to marriage counseling find solutions but only 30% of couples having marital problems ever make it to a counselor’s office?
Play Together. Life can be stressful and overwhelming so get away and enjoy time with each other. Do something that will make you laugh. It is important to zoom out from the daily grind and remember how much you enjoy being together and why you fell in love in the first place.
These ideas take time, intentionality and sometimes money but the benefits far outweigh the cost. Any other ideas that have been keys for you? Leave a comment and join with me in the hope that this generation can break the trend of broken marriages.
Kim - I would be happy to meet with them or have someone meet with them that can help. Call my office to schedule an appointment.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | March 12, 2009 at 03:35 PM
I know you are a busy man... but would you do counseling with them? I know my daughter deeply respects you.
Posted by: Kim Packa | March 04, 2009 at 08:53 PM
Kim - Sounds like a tough situation. I don't think there is a magic pill or one best option so connecting them with multiple resources is helpful - books, mentors, strong friends, counselors, etc. As difficult as it may be to talk about it there is also great value in you showing your care for your daughter and not establishing dividing lines.
Mike - I think I am the lucky one! We miss you guys.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | March 04, 2009 at 04:00 PM
Aaron, I am thankful that you have a blog and so much good information on marriage. I wish my daughter and her boyfriend would read this and or go to the mill again. He is insanely jealous of anyone that is a male friend in her life and says that she is being unfaithful. I know that she isn't and that she is quite a young woman with high degree of integrity. I see them as unequally yoked. They talk about marriage and that scares me. She has 3 young boys and he has a young daughter. He has already exhibited some character flaws that have shown up as big red flags for me. I can't get her to see and don't want to harp about it as I don't want her to not talk to me about her life. But...I am concerned. She says she needs to forgive him for his behavior.. which I agree. But, she also needs to open her eyes to the fact that he is not seeking guidance or help or making an attempt to make any changes. Can you shed some light on what I should do? I have been praying and waiting and watching. My main concern is obviously for me small grandsons.
Posted by: Kim Packa | March 03, 2009 at 09:28 PM
Wow, Mrs. Stern is a lucky woman! Where did you get all this phenomenal insight? You must have received some great premarital counsel yourself! So glad to be a small part of God's immense plan in your lives. We love you. We are very proud of you, we miss you!
Posted by: Mike Ewoldt | January 20, 2009 at 11:18 AM
Kyle - great to have you as a reader. The benefits far outweigh the time of investment for sure. It is really easy to become complacent and take marriage for granted because it is always there.
Matt - totally true about God being woven in the vows. I really believe it is impossible to do what God asks of us in marriage if we don't rely on His strength. We need to invite Him not just on our wedding day but every day.
April - great to hear from you. Hope you and Justin are doing well. When divorce isn't an option then that means that every other option will (or should) be pursued as an alternative.
Crystal - knowing how to best serve each other is huge. Every spouse should make it their highest goal to determine how to best serve their spouse. when you know that the efforts are more fruitful.
Emily - thank you
Posted by: aaron stern | January 07, 2009 at 11:59 PM
wow...first time I've read your blog. great stuff! I've spent the last 16 months working on the movie FIREPROOF and working with so many marriage ministries and watching the film over and over again and made me realize everyday how little i've truly WORKED on my marriage over the last 14 years. But WOW the difference when you focus! I thought we had a good marriage until I started to not be as complacent. Dealing with issues dredged up not so much fun stuff, but the rebuilding process is wonderful and we've gotten a new outlook on what a great marriage can look like. Thanks for the continued insight.
Posted by: Kyle Thompson | December 30, 2008 at 02:11 PM
Aaron, I too, am a "do what ever it takes type of guy". I heard an analogy once about a braid of hair that won't stay together tightly with just two strands of hair, but when there is a third strand "God" which weaves itself through the other two, it becomes strong and will stay together tightly.
I think the marriage vows, whether you repeat them or come up with your own, those are the foundation and roots of that joining of two people. To me saying those vows to my wife, was saying...I'm in for life. God Bless.
Posted by: Matt | December 29, 2008 at 06:03 PM
Aaron, we so much appreciate the time we got to spend with you before our wedding!
One piece of advice my mother has always passed to me is "Never let the 'd' word ever be an option in your mind." My husband and I don't mention divorce, threaten divorce, or even consider it in our minds. This has provided such a peace in our relationship; in the same way Christ will never leave or forsake the church,a husband and wife should decide before hand to never leave or forsake each other.
Posted by: April Suits | December 17, 2008 at 09:07 PM
thanks, I know some people who could use this insight right now. Another thing I know can make a difference is the knowledge of love languages. It so clearly communicates how we want and expect to be loved. I'm not married and never have been but I know that if it can make a difference in my relationships with co-workers and friends, it will definitely make a difference in that intimateness.
Posted by: Crystal | December 14, 2008 at 01:05 AM
This is awesome Aaron. Thanks a lot. :)
Posted by: Emily | December 12, 2008 at 10:40 AM