After posting some thoughts last week about the investment necessary to make a marriage last, I received several emails and had a few individual discussions which indicated I hit a soft spot. Couples trying to hold it together who feel like there isn’t an out, but hope they will stumble onto the answers quickly responded. Each of them possesses a deep desire to succeed and a sharp disappointment that things haven’t gone as they expected. They long for their cries of help to be heard outside their relational vacuum. I quickly realized a “part 2” was in order.
In particular, I want to share my perspective on one story I heard. A husband asked me for advice on how to keep things going. He said that he and his wife have more conflict than they have peace. I asked him to describe some of their interactions and disagreements. The husband is out of work and looking for a job. When his wife asks him to help around the house, his first reaction is a complaint followed by the reasons he couldn’t assist her. He felt she was distracting him.
I couldn’t believe his response. My surprise might have come out in my voice…maybe I raised my voice a little, but I was mad! This guy had forgotten what marriage was all about. Marriage is all about the other person – it is not about you! The main reason our culture is so full of broken relationships is that we think our happiness and the protection of our best interests are still our primary priorities after exchanging vows and rings. Ephesians 5 says that the husband is to be like Christ and the wife is to be like the Church – each voluntarily laying down their lives for the other. The happiness of your spouse and the protection of his or her best interest is your number one priority. Marital happiness cannot be achieved without it.
To lay your life down means you put your best interests on the back burner. If they never get met, so be it – the needs and best interest of the other person is your priority. That perspective is what you sign up for when you walk down the aisle. Obviously, in God’s economy, the intended hope is that the other person takes on the same attitude. Then your best interests are served, just not by you! The real rub comes when you are laying your life down and it seems that your spouse isn’t. How easily we fall into the trap of being willing to lay our life down on the condition that the other person does the same. Such an attitude reeks of “contract” thinking rather than “covenant” thinking.
A contract says “I will hold up my end of the bargain as long as you hold up yours. If you don’t, then I am out.” Covenant says “I am committed to you no matter what. I will lay my life down for you even if you don’t.” Sound familiar? Jesus gave his life on a cross with no guarantee of reciprocity. The husband is to be like Jesus!
Stop the selfishness. Stop fighting for your rights and begin fighting for the rights of your spouse. Give your life away. It is the way of Jesus and in so doing we cultivate a trust in the One who truly empowers and directs our relationships. Are we trusting Jesus and His way with our relationships or are we unwilling to surrender control, trust that God will meet our needs even if our spouse does not, and give our lives away?
The last line is spot on. Glory to God for truth.
Posted by: Josiah Trandahl | January 30, 2009 at 09:44 AM
You are always so insightful, Aaron!
Posted by: Liza Yi | December 19, 2008 at 09:16 AM