Last week I wrote specifically to ladies about the role of aptitude in selecting a future husband. The idea, though, applies to both sexes. We are not looking for someone who is a ready-made spouse but rather a guy or girl who has the seeds to grow into a great spouse. So guys, it’s your turn this week. Check out a few thoughts on assessing that special girl for wife aptitude.
When it comes to specific traits recommended in a wife, Proverbs 31 always seems to come up. In Christian culture, being a “Proverbs 31 woman” gets thrown around a lot by both guys and girls. I don’t know if it is the bar of perfection but have you read proverbs 31 lately? I am not sure that I even know what it means to select flax (v. 13) or remember the last time I ran across a girl who has planted a vineyard (v. 16). So how exactly do flax and vineyards translate into what should a guy be looking for?
Here are a couple ideas pulled from this famed proverb and the questions that come from them.
She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life (v. 12). How does she talk about other people? One of the greatest ways that a wife will be a support to her husband is with her words. The way a girl talks about people now is a good reflection of how she will talk about her husband – and the power of her words is unbelievable. They can be like super vitamins or kryptonite. I have seen a confident man wither under his wife’s discouraging words and a weak man become confident due to his wife’s decision to encourage him. Guys, look for a girl who will be your biggest fan.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue (v. 25-26) How does she react when things don’t go her way? Does she stomp her feet, throw a tantrum and lack dignity? What place do emotions take in her life? Females are more emotional than the average male. That’s fine. I am not saying emotions are bad, nor am I trying to alleviate them. However, take time to observe how she responds to a bad day or disappointing circumstances. Do truth and wisdom reign supreme or does she live ruled by the wild world of emotions?
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting (v. 27, 30). How does she spend her time? Does she invest in things that will outlast her? Is she all about looks or does she take time to develop deeper things? Outward beauty is nice but inward beauty is most important. A girl who is overly concerned about her appearance may be investing in ways which won’t last. What is most appealing now may not be the most important in building a foundation that will last.
A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (v. 30). Does she love God more than you? A women’s relationship with God is the source of her greatest beauty. The first time I noticed my wife was in a worship service. (Yes, she distracted me even in my worship!) Is she intent on spiritual things? Does she fast, pray, and invest in spiritual development? If she loves you more than God, her world will be rocked when you disappoint her. If she loves God first and foremost, she has an anchor to trust in when you disappoint her.
Too often “Is she hot?” is the first question asked of guys when they find a girl. It’s not a bad question as long as we understand what “hot” really means. Looking beyond the surface may require intentionality but will reap great rewards during the long journey of marriage. As Proverbs 31 reminds us, the seeds of a great wife are “worth far more than rubies (v.10).
Hey Aaron,
I'm a roommate of Tim Paulsen here in Bakersfield, CA. Just wanted to write a note of encouragement. I'm recently engaged and it was interesting to go over these questions with her! Thanks for not being afraid to rock the boat by addressing the issue of romantic relationships. Tim and I have often contemplated the complexities of said issue from the parameters of Scripture and the social norm. Christians often fail to separate themselves from the world and think 20 or 30 years of established lukewarm practice overrides the past 2000 some odd years of proper marriage pursuit. Way to address the heart of the issue. Keep up the good work brother!
Posted by: Rob Linder | September 22, 2008 at 10:53 PM