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Only a couple weeks remain until the birth of Stern baby boy #4. February 18th marked the one-year anniversary of the loss of our baby girl, Bergan. These last two weeks have been bittersweet as we prepare for new life and grapple with death. For those of you who might not know, Jossie was eight months pregnant with a baby girl when the doctors noticed something terribly wrong. The fluid levels in the baby’s body were too high and the prognosis was terminal. Two weeks after the diagnosis, Jossie delivered Bergan stillborn and a week later we had a graveside service to remember the life that was never lived.
This last year has been one of the most painful and difficult we have endured. What we experienced is something no parent should ever have to – putting your infant daughter into the ground is not the way things are supposed to be. Bergan’s death pictured our planet’s brokenness and everything wrong with the world. Yet – as is often the testimony of those versed in heartache -- the beauty of redemption has shone. A perfect and loving God intersected imperfect and helpless humanity. Out of the ashes of our pain has risen God’s story. In this horrible and ugly place, we found buried treasure. Of course I would trade it all for my daughter, but I am thankful for the lessons learned which has made the pain worthwhile. These treasures are invaluable. I have listed a few that particular resonate in this season.
God is more interested in me than He is in my feeling good. It is human nature to want to feel good. We realize that the experience of pain, though realistic in this world, is somehow abnormal. We were created to be experience joy but tragedy or trauma comes and we find ourselves miserable. Like physical pain in our chests tells us something’s wrong in our bodies, the emotional pain in our hearts tells us something’s wrong in our lives. And after we are uncomfortable long enough and life is consistently not what we expected, we often pray something like this: “Dear God, I know you love me. I believe you designed me for joy. But right now I am miserable. I know nothing of the joy you promised, nothing of the fruit your Spirit can produce in my life. Please make things better so I can feel good again.” We pray for relief from the strain and heaviness of the situation, but is relief really what God came to bring? It seems God rarely, if ever, answers this prayer! The weight of our pain remains and we find ourselves facing a crisis – Are the promises of God real? Why don’t these bad feelings go away, replaced by the “good feelings” from God? Our misery then drives us to seek feeling better rather than to seek God.
Romans 5:3-4 says “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Pushing through our misery actually produces something better. Character and true hope is worth our suffering. I know I sure don’t like the way I feel during that time but I know the result is worth it. The book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb (a profound book that has been a sage companion to Jossie and I on this journey) says, “No matter how bad life may one day make you feel, remember something good is happening that you may not be able to see. Give yourself over to the God who is working out a good plan. Do not settle for rearranging your world merely to feel better (p.153).”
Intimacy with the Father is the ultimate. I am sad to say that my priorities have not always been in the right order. Sometimes we don’t see what’s most important until it is shaken or lost. Intimacy with the Father is unparalleled in value and priority. John 17:3 says “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” The Christian life is not primarily about avoiding hell, living a certain way or feeling good about yourself…the Christian life is about knowing Jesus! God used this last year to cultivate deeper relationship with Him. That makes the heartache worth it.
God’s road to joy is often through the valley of suffering. Martin Luther said, “Only in suffering do we learn to fully delight in God’s goodness.” No wonder our enjoyment of God is often shallow – we avoid suffering at all costs! When we embrace difficulty and, after many dark nights, taste the fruit from allowing Him to know us in our darkest moments, a seed of true life and joy pushes through the soil of our hearts. It is in the times of being alone, disappointed, hurt and confused that Jossie and I experienced God and the true joy of knowing Him and finding Him to be enough.
Jossie and I are so grateful for the countless people who have expressed their encouragement and prayed and supported us through this last year. I don’t know how anyone makes it through a trauma like this without the strength of community. Having friends to walk with you through life’s challenges is vital.
Jesus said, “…in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Jossie and I realize we are likely to have seasons of trouble down the road but knowing God and the peace found in Him gives us courage and hope for the future.
Yes. The way of the Kingdom is counter intuitive to the way we think we might experience joy, strength, freedom, etc.
Isaiah 30:15 - in repentance and rest ir our salvation. In quietness and trust is our strength.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | April 26, 2012 at 10:14 AM
It is in the periods of being alone, dissatisfied, harm and puzzled that I knowledgeable god and the real joy of understanding Him and discovering Him to be enough.
Posted by: אודיקול מכשירי שמיעה | April 04, 2012 at 08:30 PM
Alie - I am thrilled that our story has been a blessing to you. It is not natural for us to embrace weakness but as we do Christ promises to be made strong in us.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | March 20, 2009 at 02:30 PM
Aaron-
Thank you so much for being willing to share this journey with us. It is an incredible testament to the Lord when someone is willing to allow people to see through the nice facade to the pain. I am so sorry for your loss. The Lord's work in you has been such a blessing to me. I am praying for you and your family as you continue to heal. Blessings and Congrats one Smith!
Posted by: Alie | March 17, 2009 at 08:42 PM
Olivia - thank you for your prayers.
Joanne - true. Our dependence and trust needs to be in God. True friends will make sure to point you there.
Erin - I am sorry for your loss. I highly recommend "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nacy Guthrie. It was very helpful for us as we walked this last year.
Jackie - It is in our weakness that Christ is made strong the goal is to embrace weakness!
Posted by: Aaron Stern | March 12, 2009 at 03:34 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us! I am soooo sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what pain you, Jossie, and your family have gone through in the past year and couple of months. I am glad that you guys have God and just know I will be praying for you both and for the safe arrival of your beautiful son!!!
Posted by: Olivia Williams | March 11, 2009 at 06:39 PM
i am still praying for you and joss, and am looking forward to the new baby boy coming to join the fam, have fun in the snow...ohhhhh fjs
Posted by: jackie scofield | March 08, 2009 at 10:09 AM
Thanks 4 posting this Aaron. I am sorry for your loss. Going thru a painful event in one's life when 'friends' aren't around is very difficult indeed and esp. the trauma that one goes thru. Sometimes, though, God may be 'testing' one to see if they might depend on Him rather than others 4 strength.
Posted by: Joanne Shoho | March 08, 2009 at 03:28 AM
I just lost a baby at 12 weeks and felt such a sad, but strong connection with what you'd written. A friend sent me a link to this blog. I am starting to get to the point where I can see that I will feel joy again, and will not take it for granted. I hope my experience of this low will really help me experience greater highs once the sadness and heaviness of the current pain lift. It has certainly brought me closer to God. My blessings and love to you and your wife and famiy.
Posted by: Erin | March 07, 2009 at 09:05 PM
you will be in my thoughts and prayers all this week, thanks for sharing your faith and strenth. It's such a honor to be your freind...To God be the Glory..... Frankie aka Jackie
Posted by: jackie scofield | March 06, 2009 at 04:10 PM
Mary - thank you for your love and support. Jossie and I appreciate you and Jerry.
Fernando - what a joy it is to share in the fellowship of the sufferings of Christ.
Sarah - thank you. We are excited and on the home stretch.
Posted by: Aaron Stern | March 06, 2009 at 02:40 PM
Thank you Aaron for sharing this. There are tears in my eyes as I read this, Know Jerry and I love you and Jossie and your family, we count it an honor and a privilege!
Posted by: Mary E Dahlke | March 04, 2009 at 08:32 PM
this is very encouraging blog especially for us who are suffering and in pain
Posted by: fernando | March 04, 2009 at 06:56 PM
Thank you for this post. I have been very interested in hearing about your process.
Congrats on baby boy #4. May God continue to bless your family.
Posted by: Sarah Valente (kingdom mama) | March 04, 2009 at 04:03 PM