Aaron Stern's Blog

See You in Six Weeks

Tomorrow I am starting a six week pastoral sabbatical.  At New Life Church a sabbatical is given to every pastor for seven consecutive years of work.

A pastoral sabbatical is more than an extended vacation or a time to catch up on some sleep.  It goes much deeper than that.  For those unfamiliar with the practice of sabbatical and its origination then this description will be helpful.

God models work in six days and rest on the seventh in the Creation account.  He commands it in the Ten Commandments by calling His people to keep the Sabbath holy.  God establishes a weekly rhythm that keeps His people centered around God and His work as well as engaged in the letting go of things so they are not enslaved by the taskmaster of time and productivity.  The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan is a great read on the subject of Sabbath.  I highly recommend it.

In keeping with the rhythm of productivity and rest, Leviticus 25:3-5 says “For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. But in the seventh year the land is to have a Sabbath of rest, a Sabbath to the LORD. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest.”

Not only was rest a discipline to be practiced every seven days but a practice to be embraced every seven years.  A continued reading in Leviticus even describes a rhythm of every seven  cycles of the seven years.  There is something to this 6/1 pattern.  God gives his people instruction to let their farmland rest.  After six years of producing crop and taking nutrients from the soil, the ground is to lay fallow for a year so that it can be rejuvenated and made ready to produce crop for another six years.  This extended Sabbath for the land is an essential metaphor for sabbatical.

If the land is to stay productive, it must rest from its primary function for a season in order to continue its primary function for the long haul. I love what I do and I love being a pastor.  I have been in pastoral ministry for over ten years and I believe I will be in full-time vocational ministry for the rest of my life. In order to do that well, times like this are necessary for gaining strength from heaven to complete the journey.
 
Here are a few things I am looking forward to during my sabbatical.
 
I am going to be disconnecting from functional roles and fully engaging relational roles.  We must balance life well everyday but a sabbatical gives the opportunity to focus on the roles for which I am indispensable.  I am dispensable as theMILL pastor (someone could fulfill the job description, probably better than I!).  I am indispensable as a husband to my wife, father to my boys and ultimately as a child of God.  There is no one that can give my unique, Aaron Stern, affections to them.  This is a time to focus on the relationships that matter most.  As I do, it will make me better at my other roles that are secondary.

I hope to be proactive, not reactive.  My close friend Glenn Packiam recently went on sabbatical and wrote about the reactiveness of our lives by saying “I don't want to live reactively-- responding to questions or emails or texts. I want to initiate relationship. I want to dust off the art of pursuit. Living in a relationally reactive way has made my love lazy. To be free of contact that I do not initiate is to be free to pursue.”

Life is full of things tugging on me so, in an attempt to be responsive and not reactive, I won’t be checking my Facebook, twittering, or doing anything related to work.  Shocking, I know.  Withdrawals?  Maybe.  Good?  Most definitely!

Some have asked if I will be nervous leaving theMILL for that long.  The answer is an easy and confident “NO.”  I feel lucky to have an exceptional MILL staff and leadership team in whom I have full confidence.  I have no doubt that they will carry the weight of leadership for the next several weeks with grace, being directed by the Spirit of God.

Thank you all for making it easy to do this and thank you to New Life for making a sabbatical possible.

See you in 6 weeks.

Faith or Wisdom?

Just the other day someone asked me a great question.  “Where is the line between faith and wisdom? If we are supposed to live by faith and wisdom is about planning and the future, where does wisdom fit into a life of faith?” Are these virtues mutually exclusive?  Can they walk in harmony with each other, enhancing and leaning on one another?

The Bible is clear that we are to be people of faith.  Hebrews 11:1-2 begins the chapter that praises those who have lived by faith by saying “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  This is what the ancients were commended for.”  Uncertainty is a necessary condition for faith.  Faith is not faith if we know the outcome.  Throughout the teachings of Jesus is the push for a heart filled with trust.   Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all his possessions to indicate a life fully engaged in faith in God. Luke 18:8 highlights the ultimate and eternal importance of faith when Jesus says “When the son of man comes, will He find faith on the earth?”  Jesus challenged the Pharisees to stop trusting in their knowledge and traditions so that they could find fullness of life outside of legalism.  And Jesus doesn’t just communicate a “have faith” mentality without helping his followers understand the caring nature of the Father.  Jesus knows firsthand that it is safe to seek first the Kingdom of God and trust their future to Him.  Faith is a baseline criterion in the Kingdom of God.

But the Bible has a great deal to say about wisdom as well.  Proverbs 4:5-7 says “Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them.  Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.  Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” Jesus grew in wisdom (Luke 2:52) and James 1:5 says we should ask God for wisdom if we lack it and He will give it generously.

I have a friend who doesn’t manage his finances well, lives paycheck to paycheck, doesn’t set a budget and then proclaims that he is “living by faith” that God is going to help him pay his bills.  Sometimes money shows up unexpectedly but is that faith or just sloppy living?

Another friend budgets to the penny, watches his investments with an eagle-eye and frets when the stock market is down or an unexpected expense derails his savings plan. He would never be accused of sloppy living but is so tightly in control that, on the surface, it leaves little room for God.  Are either of these guys living by faith?

I suggest that there is a balance between these two extremes.  Living by faith is not about God covering for our sloppy living and lack of planning or holding tight-fisted to our future.  It is giving God all our planning and wisdom so that we are able to trust Him as He leads us.  Proverbs 16:9 highlights this balance, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

What does such a life look like?  Well, come to think of it, I have another friend of mine who has a good budget and savings plan but gave a car away because God told him to.  He had plans for the money he would make from that car but trusted God’s leading.
 
Wisdom and faith can and should compliment one another. In some ways, it reminds me of the story of Joseph.  Sold as a slave to Egypt, Joseph showed evidence of wisdom – he found favor everywhere he went and was recognized as a good manager. He exercised integrity, fleeing the advances of his boss’ wife.  Yet he was misunderstood, imprisoned, and forgotten by his fellow inmates.  Joseph had to exercise faith that God would lead him in the midst of difficult circumstances, but he also lived a life of wisdom.  This finely tuned balanced helped him protect Egypt from a famine and preserved God’s chosen people.  We would be wise to pay attention to Joseph’s example -- using the mind God gave us to think critically and to see where God is leading us in a life of faith.

Watch Your Mouth

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a guest post from Daniel Grothe. He is an associate pastor for theMILL.  He oversees small groups and theMILL at Northern Hills.  He has a wife named Lisa, a daughter named Lillian and a son on the way whose name is yet to be disclosed. I thought this was an excellent follow-up to last week's post Must Reads for Every Pastor.  Enjoy.]

Lillian, my twenty-three month old, has changed the way I talk, or at least the way I think about talking. Thankfully, since she has come along I have not had to scrub many words from my vocabulary, but I have had to work on using them more correctly, more literally. I learned this lesson when I told her, an 18-month-old at the time, to “hit the rock.” In my vernacular it means “hit your fist against my fist,” much like Michael Jordan and John Paxson used to do after connecting on a fast-break, alley-oop dunk. In Lillian’s mind a rock is the hard substance, fun to chew on and throw, that outlines the perimeter of our yard. She was beginning to grasp its meaning—until I messed it up by using the aforementioned slang phrase. Her progress in her quest to successfully acquire language was temporarily impeded by her “silly daddy.”

The loss of and change in word meaning was not unfamiliar to Jesus.Take for instance the misunderstanding of the colossally important word, Messiah. Scripture and historical evidence point to the fact that a large portion of people (the sword-swinging, ear-severing apostle Peter included!) interpreted the word Messiah through a political filter. That may be why Jesus used the word sparingly, not wanting to give cause for the perpetuation of its misuse. This might also partially answer why Jesus didn’t want certain people to disclose who healed them because Messiah, to them, was skewed—a political over-thrower and power gatherer!

The irony should not be lost on us—Jesus, the “Word made flesh,” could not keep the word that most accurately described him from being redefined and misconstrued, even among his closest friends. As sad as that is, should we really be surprised? We are pros at this work of redefinition. Our market-driven culture has successfully changed the word “beauty” from an inner wholeness displayed outwardly into an utter neglect of the inward for the sake of the outward.

Vocationally, I encounter this on a daily basis. The title “pastor” gives me the opportunity to be with people who have real desires and needs; they need a wedding performed, want a nagging habit obliterated, hope for an answer to their crisis at work or home. This is one of my favorite things to do and a great honor. But here’s the reality—some of these people don’t want anything to do with God. They just want their wedding done, their habit gone, their crisis fixed; and they’ve been trained to come to the pastor for this. The problem? Historically, pastor has never designated one who dispenses helpful products to efficiently meet consumer needs. They can get a wedding cheaply done in Vegas or find a “quick fix” for their problem on late night infomercials. Pastors are called to be spiritually-minded companions, able to encourage and, in some cases, challenge people to live lives of obedient submission to Jesus...to the Messiah.

Lillian’s experience and Jesus’ reality direct our attention to a critical issue—namely, the recovery of words. In The Contemplative Pastor, Eugene Peterson says that pastors “treat words with reverence, stand in awe before not only the Word, but words, and realize that language itself partakes of the sacred.” But it’s not just pastors who hold this responsibility; we’re all in on this and the stakes are high. Words must be treated as sacred. Why? Because they are the life-forming or life-destroying tools we use most often and in our most important work—the work of engaging with a human soul. 

Is what I am talking about easy, this work of being faithful to the meaning of words? Absolutely not. Our understanding of words is largely informed by our unique histories and experiences. A child who is savagely beaten by a hot-headed father or neglected by an abdicating mother has no other grid for processing the meaning of the word “nurture.” However, nurture, regardless of one’s unique lens, must ultimately transcend personal experience. The meaning of words cannot be subjective at base, left to be defined by the whim of a father’s actions or a culture’s ever-changing preferences.

For all of you literature lovers out there, does this mean we should castrate our vocabularies and do away with imagination, mystery and poetry, settling for a strictly literal mode? Not at all. (I’d rather attempt climbing Kilimanjaro in the middle of a mudslide than read literature with pulse-less words.) What I am saying is that, as believers, we must recognize and take the “exact or primary meaning” of words seriously.

Must Reads for Every Pastor

“What book do you recommend?”  That’s a pretty common question that gets floated around in meetings, conferences, and interviews.  It is always fascinating to hear what books have been impacting to different people.  When it comes to pastors who ask this question, titles like Good to Great by Jim Collins, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni, or Purple Cow by Seth Godin are common favorites.  The recommendation list is long in reference to leadership and running an organization but what about being a pastor?  Books on leadership and the principles they teach are good but have we turned the pastor into a CEO rather than a shepherd?  Has the role of “spiritual director” been pushed to the periphery?  Has development in the pastoral vocation been traded for development in management savvy?

Our culture is driven by the free market which puts the consumer in the driver’s seat.  As a result, leaders of companies that provide goods and services to the consumer must learn to grow and excel in organizational leadership, management efficiency and marketing prowess in order to survive.  Though these skills top the priority list for business leaders, these are not the primary skills that must be developed in the life of a pastor.  The core question to be answered is “What is driving what?”  Meaning, is your pastoral work being driven by leadership and management principles or is your leadership being informed by pastoral values?  The difference is huge and I pray that we have not become so influenced by culture that we have replaced the primary for the ancillary.  So, what books do I recommend specifically for pastors?  Thanks for asking…

The Knowledge of the Holy

 by A.W. Tozer - Our view of God shapes everything.  Tozer will challenge your understanding of God by masterfully unpacking the attributes of God.  We are all in orbit around God, pastor included, so knowing who He is and what He does is vital.

I recommend any and all books by Eugene Peterson (he is most commonly known as the translator of The Message Bible) but specifically point to these four books.

Under the Unpredictable Plant – Using the story of Jonah as a metaphor, Peterson develops the idea of “vocational holiness” and calls pastors to their true purpose.

 

 

Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work – In an attempt to help pastors be more effective, Eugene points to the Old Testament for wisdom. His practical-theological insights include prayer-directing, story-making, pain-sharing, nay-saying and community-building.

 

Working the Angles – Just as the lines of the triangle don’t make a triangle without the proper angles, the actual tasks of the pastor are only as valuable as the substance of what supports them.

 

 

The Contemplative Pastor - Peterson describes the term "pastor" with the adjectives: un-busy, subversive, and apocalyptic – a great challenge to the many paradigms of our culture.

 

 

Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey – Life does not always work out the way we want it to and times of crisis and difficulty create disappointments that can be hard to navigate. Pastors have the task of walking with people through those times.  Yancey looks at suffering and the questions we are often scared to ask.

 

The Other Side of Pastoral Ministry by Daniel Brown – Written by a long time pastor, the effectiveness of ministry is not found in numbers but rather in fruit and involvement in the community of believers.

 

 

Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem – Big theology books are not reserved for seminarians and must get frequent use by pastors.  Our theology must inform our practices rather than experiences defining our theology.

In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen - this little book is packed with insight on the life of a Christian leader.  He  brings the reader back to the freshness of the basics by emphasizing identity in Christ and the vitality of authentic relationships.

Thoughts on Singleness, Sacrifice and Celebrating: a follow up to "Contentment in Singleness"

[NOTE: This is a guest post from Noelle Goodlin. She is theMILL Women's Pastor.  She has a Masters in Counseling, a B.A. in Psychology & Literature and a husband named Jacob.]

It seems that I may have struck a chord! Aaron was gracious enough to give me the floor one more time to offer a response to some of the ideas raised by my post "Contentment in Singleness: is it possible?".

First, let me begin by acknowledging that the issues of marriage and singleness are complex and not easily addressed within one blog. This subject is one that has been covered so many times that it can be difficult to separate out what the Bible has to say with the hundreds of other voices weighing in on the subject. Many of us may have painful memories, emotions, insecurities, failures and successes attached to these topics. As with everything that engages our hearts, this subject is deeply personal and I would never presume to speak as if I have all the answers – I do not. With that said, here are a few follow-up responses:

Sacrifice Marriage for Christ. Should we be willing to be single for the cause of Christ? Yes. To give one’s life to Christ is to live completely surrendered to Him. Any desire takes second to the desire for God’s lordship. However, marriage is not an American or a man-made idea. It is God’s idea. For thousands of years, families have created an environment where God’s ways of love, truth, forgiveness and faithfulness can be witnessed day in, day out. I believe both marriage and singleness can advance the kingdom of God and both can be, and are, sacrificial if lived correctly. 

Are All Our Desires Fulfilled? No…at least not in this life.  I do believe it is possible to desire marriage and not know when or if it will be fulfilled. As I said originally, living with that unknown in any area of life propels us to deeper places of trust and surrender to God in which our heart’s cry becomes, “I want You, God, most of all.”

Is the Desire for Marriage Simply Lust in Disguise? No! I believe any desire allowed to run rampant in our hearts can become lustful. That was my precise reason for writing the blog – I experienced a longing for marriage that threatened to rule me. My journey was one of letting that desire find its proper place through trusting God. Are some people lusting for marriage? Probably. Does that mean the desire for marriage is the same as lust? I don’t think so.

Celebrating Singleness. I do believe that singleness should be more celebrated within the church than it is.  There is a temptation to believe that marriage equals arrival within Christian culture. A person’s relationship status does not indicate something about their value or worth to the body of Christ. A few of my best friends are single and I can’t imagine my life without them. It is who they are – not their marriage status – that makes them invaluable to me.

Finally, I have spent the last several years pastoring MILL girls and I find them to be full of purpose, willing to grow, servant-oriented and in love with God.  I love them very much and believe that Christ is at work in them.

Contentment in Singleness: is it possible?

[NOTE: This is a guest post from Noelle Goodlin. She is theMILL Women's Pastor.  She has a Masters in Counseling, a B.A. in Psychology & Literature and a husband named Jacob.]

I don't know about you, but I love hearing people's love stories. As a single person, it encouraged me to hear the ups and downs of other people's courtships -- especially when it ended in marriage. Those stories re-kindled my sometimes flagging hope that one day I would find my life partner too.

In a subtle way, I suppose my interest in others' stories was my way of searching for a formula which might help create my own. I had fully anticipated meeting my husband in college. College came, college went -- no prospects. A couple of years after graduation, I met a man and fell in love, certain that he was the ONE. We broke up, I cut my hair off as an act of mourning. Back to no prospects.

As I hit my mid-twenties and inched toward thirty, I began to wonder if God really cared about this matter as much as everyone told me He did. To be honest, nothing really indicated that He gave it the time of day. So I took matters into my own hands, probing people's relationships and reading books, searching for the key to success. Flirt more? Play hard to get? Several ideas were batted around but one consistently floated to the surface in my Christian circles. It went something like this: "It was when I didn't care about getting married at all that my husband showed up." I don't know how many times I heard some variation of this theme. So I tried my very hardest not to care. I would look in the mirror (not really, but you get the idea) and say, "Self, you don't care if you ever get married. You don't want to get married. You are perfectly content to live alone the remainder of your life."

It didn't work. No matter how hard I tried, I could not kill my desire to get married. The reality was that I cared very much. If I was honest, deep down I really wanted to get married and have a family. And no amount of effort was able to banish the wish. Why? Maybe because marriage is created by God and the longing for it is God-given. That makes sense if you look at how things started: God created Adam and put him in the garden. But God saw that it was not good for him to be alone and so he told Adam to name the animals and look for a mate. It's almost laughable -- bears, cheetahs, and giraffes as a companion for Adam. God is no dummy -- He is all-knowing and he knew that Eve was coming. Do you think he was caught off-guard that an animal didn't satisfy Adam's longing for companionship? I highly doubt it. So why take Adam through such a process? Perhaps God needed to teach Adam about his longing for marriage and how to trust Him, Creator and Father, in the process so that, when he found it, he would be ready.

And what of this rumor that marriage comes to us when we no longer care about it? I suggest that it is not about achieving a state of indifference but rather that the desire finds its proper resting place. It may sound like verbal semantics but the implications of these ideas are quite different. Song of Solomon gives a pretty strong argument for the power of romantic longing and sexual desire; yet, it also issues the caution of being careful to not "arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Then what are we to do?

As Christians, we are invited to live a God-surrendered life. Any desire -- God-given or flesh-derived -- is to be submitted and entrusted to our Heavenly Father. Marriage is godly and wonderful. Nothing is wrong with it and, unlike sinful cravings, you probably won't be able to kill your longing for it. That doesn't mean, though, that we allow it to rule us. The word arouse as used in Song of Solomon implies a choice to stir the pot, if you will. The Message translation says, "Don't excite love, don't stir it up until the time is ripe." What does that look like?

Unfortunately, it's probably not formulaic. God seems to love working things out in the hearts of his children through relational, trust-oriented methods. Psalm 37:4 does come to mind: Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Rather than claiming this as an if/then statement (that would be formulas talking again!), what if we approached it as a prayer: "God, I want to be married. At times, I feel like it consumes me and I am helpless to do anything about it. But I love You and choose to trust in You. I believe You care about the things that matter to me. I believe You are a good Father who wants what is best for me. You are Lord over this area of my life and I leave it in your hands."

Four years after I began to wrestle with these ideas, I married a wonderful man. I never lost my desire to be married and, to be honest, I never stopped wrestling with it. The choice to trust God with my future was, and is, a daily one. Indeed, life seems full of these deeply placed longings and subsequent vulnerabilities which push us to greater points of surrender and letting go. That is where the growth is and, for that reason, I am thankful for the process.

Break-ups, Selfishness, and Friendlationships

Last week I posted a blog called “Long Distance Relationships, Dating People You Won’t Marry and the Gift of Singleness” where I answered relationship questions I recently received from Air Force Academy cadets.  I promise that this blog won’t be turning into “Dear Abby” but, due to the strong response, I decided to answer a couple more including a few questions that “Sarah” posted in a comment.

Is it possible to become friends after a break up?
It is possible but not likely, especially if the relationship was serious.  The idea of “just being friends” smacks of idealism.  After a relationship ends, healing and readjustment to single life are normal and will happen best when there is time and distance.  One of the dynamics I have seen repeatedly is the desire to be a “friend” after a break up and take care of the other person.  The motives are good but you have to let it go, know that you aren’t the one to offer comfort and help, and trust that God has someone else to walk alongside them.  Jumping straight from dating to friends is nearly impossible due to the history and emotional ties.  My recommendation is that you separate and let the relationship become whatever it becomes.  Don’t put pressure on it.

What are some helpful ways to overcome break ups, especially when someone breaks up with you but you still love them?
The goal is to let them go.  The best way I know to help that process happen is to forgive and break soul ties.  If you still love them and didn’t want the relationship to end, then I would guess that you are hurt and need to forgive them.  You might feel that they owe you an explanation, an apology or a second chance. When we are in pain from someone else’s decision, forgiveness releases them from the debt that you feel they owe you.  Depending on how serious and/or physical your relationship was, chances are that you formed emotional, physical, and spiritual soul ties with that other person.  Soul ties are deep, binding connections that happen between two people – they can be positive or negative. For example, a husband and a wife share a soul tie. This connection is both positive and necessary. Negative ties are broken through prayer, repentance and renouncing (Renouncing is simply verbally agreeing to break connections with the other person.) Here is a simple sample prayer to break soul ties.

"God, my desire is that my heart belongs completely to you and that I would not be connected in unhealthy ways to others, so I break any negative soul ties I may have with __________.  I renounce the emotional, physical and spiritual ties I established with _________, and ask for complete separation and healing in my heart so I would be available to move forward and embrace all that you have for me.  Amen."

What is the hardest part of marriage?
Selfishness.  The biggest temptation that every married person will fight throughout their lives is living for their own good.  The commitment made in the wedding vows to lay down one’s life and live for their spouse’s good is more than just pretty language.   These commitments are made daily and the opportunities to violate them are endless.

How do you build a solid friendship without getting into a friendlationship?
For anyone that doesn’t know the definition of a friendlationship, it is a relationship that is not solely a friendship or clearly a committed relationship.  Most dating relationships go through this phase, even if it is for just a short period of time -- the goal is to not stay there.  Living in “friendlationship land” is dangerous as it involves the sharing of emotions and the building of intimacy without any commitment.  The key to keeping a friendship from getting into the friendlationship zone is communication.  Talk about where you are at in the relationship, what you do or do not want, and your expectations for the future.  If, without communication, feelings start to build in a friendship, a friendlationship will ensue

Long-Distance Relationships, Dating People You Won't Marry, and the Gift of Singleness

A few weeks ago, my wife Jossie and I had the privilege of talking to Air Force Academy cadets at a MILL small group called GodChasers.  We shared the story of how we met, dated and got married, followed by answering questions written on 3X5 cards.  We took about 45 minutes to answer as many as we could but, inevitably, there wasn’t enough time to answer them all.  So here are my responses to some of the ones that went unanswered.

What is the most important advice you can give for a long-distance relationship?
I know several people who don’t like long-distance relationships – they are a lot of work and can be a hassle. However, I actually think that there are several benefits to dating from a distance.  Talking on the phone or interacting online requires the development of one of the most important variables in a relationship – communication.  Without the “distractions” of things to do and places to go, the only thing you have left is what you talk about. Such a heavy emphasis on talking requires diligent work on communicating thoroughly and clearly, establishing expectations and resolving conflicts.  From my perspective, if things don’t work long-distance, they likely wouldn’t work living in the same city. That being said, if the relationship is going towards marriage, I recommend that you have a good period of time together in the same city prior to marriage (3-6 months minimum).  Though developing good communication is important, it can’t replace that which is learned as you interact in person on a daily basis.

What is the best way to distinguish between our voice and the Holy Spirit when pursuing a girl?
You can’t!  Your emotions blur your vision.  This is why it is so important to have solid, trusted community in your life.  Proverbs 19:20-21 says “Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise.  Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.”  If you are wondering if you should move forward in a relationship, ask trusted friends and leaders for honest input.  Their vantage point is one you will never have about your own life.  (That means if you don’t hear what you want to, don’t scoff at them).  There is great safety in involving friends in your relationships from the beginning; plus, it sets a good precedent if that relationship does get the green light. 

I believe that it’s a bad idea to date anyone you can’t marry.  What do you think?
I agree.  Dating with the knowledge that the relationship doesn’t have a long-term future is dangerous.  I have heard the “we are just hanging out” line over and over. The problem with “just hanging out” is that, when you spend extended time with someone, you often begin to like him.  That leads to problem two: the person you like is often the person with whom you fall in love.  So now you are in love with someone you don’t want to marry…that’s dangerous.  So when you know the person you are dating is not the one you would like to spend the rest of your life with, end it.  In my opinion (and this is only my opinion), it should take no longer than 6-9 months of dating someone to know if you should marry them.

Do you believe in full disclosure in your relationship about your life before you get married?
Yes.  This does not mean that you need to share all details on the first date (that might scare someone off!) but at least during the engagement season all should be on the table.  You and your spouse deserve the full knowledge of the person with whom you are entering a life-long covenant.  Doing so sets a culture of honesty and openness in your relationship for the long haul.

What if you want to be married, but never think about it except once every blue moon?  Is that okay? What does it mean if you don’t care much about marriage or really pray about it in the meantime?
I think you are totally fine.  Marriage is about God’s timing, so not worrying about it might actually be a good thing.  Just make sure you are open to someone entering your life -- even when you least expect it.

If you have no desire for marriage now or in the future, you may also want to consider and pray about if you have the gift of singleness.  The vast majority of people do not have this gift and even the thought of being single for life causes a breakout in hives. However, the apostle Paul says these individuals are to be celebrated (I Corinthians 7).  Here are few things that may indicate that you might have this gift.

-You don’t have a burning desire to get married. 
-You are completely satisfied being single.
-You aren’t frustrated that you won’t have sex.

If you are praying that you don’t have the gift, chances are that you probably don’t!

Introducing Smith Frederick Stern

On St. Patrick's Day, March 17th, 2009 at 6:39PM Jossie and I had the privilege of welcoming our fourth son into the world.  Smith weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces and measured 20.5 inches long.  We are so grateful that he is healthy and ready for life.  His older brothers love the new addition but are still learning that he is fragile and it will be a little while before they can use him for body slam practice.  He likes sleeping, eating and American fiction. He dislikes shots, being cold and sarcasm.

After the loss of our baby girl a little over a year ago this experience has been both sobering and redemptive.  We have been reminded of the extreme pain we walked through while seeing the new life only God can bring.  Where sorrow once reigned joy begins to peek through.  Where there has been mourning there is now celebration.  God is still working in our hearts to see the beauty in loss and continues to develop a trust in Him that is only strengthened through adversity.

We thank God for the gift Smith already is to us and look forward to many joys to come.

   

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos by Jacob Goodlin (www.jacobgoodlinphotography.com)

Leaders Have Fewer Rights

Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about what is and isn’t permissible for a Christian leader.  It was the age-old question: Is it okay to drink alcohol?  As our conversation went along, I heard a lot of “It is not wrong for me to do this or that,” and “The Bible doesn’t prohibit it,” and “I am within the bounds of the law so why not?”  The Bible is only explicit about alcohol in saying that the sin is not in drinking but in getting drunk.  So anything besides getting drunk is ok, right?  I’m not so sure. Whether it’s in relation to drinking or any issue, I find the arguments for or against behavior in regard to Biblical permission too one-dimensional.
 
Perhaps what is needed most is not merely a consideration of the facts, but an embrace of a new perspective. The standard for leadership is higher.  James 3:1 says, “Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.”  All leaders teach even if it is not from a platform.  The responsibility and influence of a leader means there is more riding on their choices and lifestyle.  Leaders don’t have the same luxuries afforded to those not in that position.
 
Our culture often touts that leadership opens the door to more rights, even at times placing individuals above the law.  In the kingdom of God, though, to lead is not an invitation to gain more personal liberties but to lose them.   Jesus, the most influential leader to ever live, said that to be the greatest you must become the least, laying your life down for others.  In I Corinthians 10:23-24, Paul writes that “Everything is permissible – but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive.  Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.”

To lead in God’s kingdom is to serve which means we don’t always get to do what we want.  If we truly love those we are serving, we live for their best interests (I Corinthians 13) and we put our own interests aside.  Paul addressed this idea of refraining from behavior as an act of service in I Corinthians 10:30-11:1.  He writes to the Corinthians about eating food sacrificed to idols. Evidently there was some debate among believers as to what was best. When they became Christians, food lost its spiritual/ritualistic meaning and was reduced to a good meal. Some of them understood and embraced this idea. Eating food sacrificed to idols in no way weakened their faith or created questions in their hearts with regards to other religions. Others, though, were still new in their faith.

Paul is addressing the strong in faith with regards to those who were weak when he writes, “Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews or Greeks or the church of God – even as I try to please everyone in every way.  For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.  Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”  Paul is cautioning Christian leaders in Corinth to refrain from eating food sacrificed to idols so as to not cause someone else to stumble.  If something gets in the way of someone understanding the kingdom of God, no matter how biblically justifiable, it is worth putting aside.

It is important to realize that the answer to “Can I do this?” might not be about what we have the “right” to do.  We may be well within biblical limits and still the answer should be no. We can be totally right and totally wrong all at the same time.  If you don’t want to give up your rights or live for someone else’s good then being a leader might not be for you!