Aaron Stern's Blog

A Must for Every Christian

On my blog I have posted blog posts of friends and others whom I find to be valuable but never have I reposted one of my own…until now.  At theMILL we are in the process of receiving applications for MILL missions 2010, so in an effort to communicate why it is so important to go I revised and reposted a blog I wrote in June 2008 called "Four Reason to Go on Missions."  Enjoy.

I firmly believe that every Christian should go on a short term overseas mission trip at least once in their lifetime.  I say this not because we need more missionaries (we do) or because I love missions (and I do) but rather because missions is God’s purpose in the world.  God is on a mission and He is inviting us to join Him. Going to the bush in Africa, the jungles of the Amazon or the mountains of Nepal to share the love of God is not just a spiritual travel excursion but about us being united with God’s heart and purpose.

You might just have checked out because you say, “I am not called to be a missionary.”  The problem with that reasoning is that if you are following Jesus, then you are called!   We are all part of the mission.  Whether that means that you spend the rest of your life in a foreign land or supporting someone who does, understanding the mission is helpful to us all.  So here are four reasons to get on a plane and exit the borders of America.

1. You get God’s perspective on the world.  This mission we are on is not an American mission but a global God mission.  It is not about taking Western culture to a “less fortunate people” but about bringing Jesus to people without hope.  When we see people not as poor, different or less than, but as people whom God loves, just as He loves us, we begin to understand the heartbeat of God.

2. You get a small taste of heaven.  I have sat in small and large churches all over the world…from the slums of Kenya, to the mountain villages of Mexico, to a cave in China and I have felt the presence of God as we worshipped together.  It wasn’t about skin color, nationality, language or socio-economic status…it was about our amazing and gracious God.  In all of these settings I have thought, “This might just be what heaven is like…and the white faces were outnumbered by the colored ones!”  There won’t be any chants of U-S-A! or KENYA! or MEXICO! or CHINA! but instead…JESUS!

3. The personal growth is exponential.  Going on missions changes you.  You are taken out of your comfort zone.  Being in a foreign culture will force you to do things you would never normally choose to do.  Less than ideal sleeping conditions, weird food, riding a strange form of transportation, and unimaginable poverty will cause you to think twice about your personal finances, the way you pray and what you do with your life.  As much as we want to make an impact on the people we go to, the impact on us is undeniable.

4. It is a great adventure!  I have been to 39 countries and I have a life goal of going to as many countries as I am old (so far I am ahead of the game and sitting in an airport on a layover doesn’t count!).  I have seen the Pyramids, Big Ben, the Great Wall of China, the Rock of Gibraltar, ridden a rickshaw, eaten crocodile and a myriad of other things that you will never find on a menu in America, played soccer with orphans, gone on safari and met some amazing people. The ministry that happens everyday on a mission trip is incredible…seeing the world is a sweet bonus! Going overseas provides an opportunity to see and experience so many great things that are just plain amazing!

Now don’t get me wrong.  This is not about guilt.  I have heard people say…if you don’t go then the blood of the nations will be on your hands.  The motivation for missions is so much greater than guilt.  It is about the passion that burns in each of us because of how our lives have been transformed by the love of God…it is that love that compels us.  We can’t help but want to tell others about our great God and spread His fame to the nations.

In the summer of 2010 theMILL is sending college students and 20-somethings to Peru, Germany, Egypt and India.  Don’t miss out on this incredible experience.  Details on dates, cost and ministry opportunities as well as applications are available at www.theMILLonline.org.

What Makes Fall Great?

I love fall.  September and October are my favorite months and the list of reasons why this season is the best grows every year. Here are just a few.

The season of lame sports is over.  After watching the NBA playoffs, afternoons of tennis, golf and regular season baseball will put anyone into a coma.  Fall equals NFL football in full swing.  Go Broncos!

Summer’s heat is gone and the perfection of warm days and cool evenings are upon us.  I would rather put on a sweatshirt and warm up instead of being hot without any way to cool off.

Starbucks Pumpkin Spice lattes are back!  Reading, coffee, and a chilly day is a combo made in heaven.

Leaves turn colors and snow starts falling in the mountains…enough said.

And most importantly: It is FALL RETREAT season at theMILL.  I have been theMILL pastor for nine years now and we have done a lot of events but fall retreat is the only one which has faithfully stood the test of time.  I have many good reasons as to why I invite everyone I know, as well as perfect strangers, to join theMILL for fall retreat.  So why go on Fall Retreat?

*Relationship. It can be difficult to meet people if Friday nights is all you can do.  theMILL is not about gathering a big crowd, it’s about community. Our strength is in how well we know each other.  In the course of three days, fall retreat starts relationships and helps them gain a momentum that would take months of Friday night attendance to achieve.  This year’s theme is BELONG, focusing on how God made us to connect, not live a solitary life. (On a side note, I regularly talk to people getting married who met at fall retreat.  Not saying it is the reason to come to Fall Retreat but it can’t hurt.  Just saying!)

*Location, location, location.  For the past 8 years we have gone to Young Life’s Crooked Creek Ranch in Winter Park, Colorado. Let me be clear: this is no youth camp.  If your idea of a retreat is ramshackle cabins with no heat, 30 year old mattresses and “camp food” then get ready for a pleasant surprise.  The accommodations at CCR are basically luxurious, the food is excellent, and the views are spectacular.  Plus you get a sweet afternoon of free time with tons of activities (besides a nap)…like mountain biking, super swing, hiking, hot tubbing, and more…

*Simplification.  We are constantly pushed on by school, work, cell phones, roommates, and family obligations. To have a weekend without the push and pull of everyday life is a gift we need to experience more often.  Getting into God’s creation and away from the busyness of life  helps us de-clutter our souls and refocus for the days ahead.
 

*God-space. When we create space for God, we provide room for Him to work.  Every year we meet Him corporately and individually in wonderful ways. Crooked Creek doesn’t have some sort of magic dust that they sprinkle on the weekend. God says that when we seek Him, we will find Him.

The list could continue and I could talk about the amazing times of worship, the hoedown, the massive horse, knight, rider game and the 75 person hot tub but I think you get the idea.  Don’t miss theMILL Fall Retreat 09.  There are two weekends to choose from (they are both the same) – October 16-18 or October 23-25.  Register at www.theMILLonline.org to lock in your rate and weekend.

Hope you don’t miss theMILL event of the year!  See you there.

Time for a facebook Diet?

As you know, I left in June for a six week sabbatical. I returned a few weeks ago and am finally getting around to a little blogging.

My sabbatical was amazing -- I am a huge fan.  Not only was it a break from work and all that comes with pastoring people and being a part of their lives, Jossie and I and our boys were able to take some time away from Colorado Springs.  The time together as a family was invaluable and the joy of being present as a dad and husband for many days in a row was my favorite part.
 
It was incredible to see what floated to the surface without the pressures of daily work and the requirements of maintaining normal life – changing the oil, mowing the lawn, reading the mail, or running other sundry errands.  To alleviate most everything and have few responsibilities was an incredible gift of space.  I read a lot, slept a lot and Jossie and I talked, prayed and processed about many things that will impact our hearts and lives for years to come.  I returned not only physically rested, but mentally invigorated, emotionally refreshed and spiritually challenged.

When I started sabbatical, I assumed I would jump right back into everything I was doing when it ended.  Life would resume as normal. Instead, I have found it an interesting process to re-enter my pre-sabbatical world.  Just like it took time to decompress, it has taken time to fully re-engage.  Naturally it takes time to get back into the swing of things but as my email inbox starts to get back to a normal level, I am finding that my time away had a profound influence on my thought processes and perceptions of some things I do.  I am not fully interested in jumping into how everything was before my sabbatical. It took me a couple weeks to check facebook and I haven’t posted a blog or twittered nearly as much as I used to. It’s not because I don’t like these things anymore or that I won’t use them for personal or vocational use, I just find that they’ve taken a different place in my life.
 
I won’t check facebook nearly as often as I used to not because it’s not enjoyable but because I would rather spend more time with people face to face than in sound bite interactions in cyberspace.  Facebook is a useful tool to connect with people but the problem comes when it is at the expense of those who God has put directly in front of us.  In an attempt to connect with everyone I wonder if in the end truly we truly connect with no one.

We can’t recapture time so we must treat it with care.  Priorities and values will drive how we use it.  So I suggest that personal relationships are of greater value than virtual ones.  I love what my good friend Glenn Packiam says about Facebook, Twitter and other social networking tools.  They are only frosting on the cake.  They cannot replace the cake.  So invest in the right relationships first!

I also recommend allowing for space in life and relationships so we can see what God is up to.  With all the flittering (and Twittering) around from network to network, following of celebrities, acquaintances and enemies it is easy to never be still enough to know where God is at work.  I so deeply want to be who God has designed me to be and do what God has called me to but it is going to take being attentive to where God is.  Eugene Peterson hits the target when he says “most people are dominated by a sense of self, not a sense of God.”  If we are to be God-dependent and Spirit-directed people we must have space in our lives for more than just ourselves.

So bear with me as blogs may be fewer and farer between and facebook comments less frequent.  But I pose the same questions to you.  Are you missing out on what is right in front of you for that which is less real and less near?  Is your social networking frosting or cake?

See You in Six Weeks

Tomorrow I am starting a six week pastoral sabbatical.  At New Life Church a sabbatical is given to every pastor for seven consecutive years of work.

A pastoral sabbatical is more than an extended vacation or a time to catch up on some sleep.  It goes much deeper than that.  For those unfamiliar with the practice of sabbatical and its origination then this description will be helpful.

God models work in six days and rest on the seventh in the Creation account.  He commands it in the Ten Commandments by calling His people to keep the Sabbath holy.  God establishes a weekly rhythm that keeps His people centered around God and His work as well as engaged in the letting go of things so they are not enslaved by the taskmaster of time and productivity.  The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan is a great read on the subject of Sabbath.  I highly recommend it.

In keeping with the rhythm of productivity and rest, Leviticus 25:3-5 says “For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. But in the seventh year the land is to have a Sabbath of rest, a Sabbath to the LORD. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest.”

Not only was rest a discipline to be practiced every seven days but a practice to be embraced every seven years.  A continued reading in Leviticus even describes a rhythm of every seven  cycles of the seven years.  There is something to this 6/1 pattern.  God gives his people instruction to let their farmland rest.  After six years of producing crop and taking nutrients from the soil, the ground is to lay fallow for a year so that it can be rejuvenated and made ready to produce crop for another six years.  This extended Sabbath for the land is an essential metaphor for sabbatical.

If the land is to stay productive, it must rest from its primary function for a season in order to continue its primary function for the long haul. I love what I do and I love being a pastor.  I have been in pastoral ministry for over ten years and I believe I will be in full-time vocational ministry for the rest of my life. In order to do that well, times like this are necessary for gaining strength from heaven to complete the journey.
 
Here are a few things I am looking forward to during my sabbatical.
 
I am going to be disconnecting from functional roles and fully engaging relational roles.  We must balance life well everyday but a sabbatical gives the opportunity to focus on the roles for which I am indispensable.  I am dispensable as theMILL pastor (someone could fulfill the job description, probably better than I!).  I am indispensable as a husband to my wife, father to my boys and ultimately as a child of God.  There is no one that can give my unique, Aaron Stern, affections to them.  This is a time to focus on the relationships that matter most.  As I do, it will make me better at my other roles that are secondary.

I hope to be proactive, not reactive.  My close friend Glenn Packiam recently went on sabbatical and wrote about the reactiveness of our lives by saying “I don't want to live reactively-- responding to questions or emails or texts. I want to initiate relationship. I want to dust off the art of pursuit. Living in a relationally reactive way has made my love lazy. To be free of contact that I do not initiate is to be free to pursue.”

Life is full of things tugging on me so, in an attempt to be responsive and not reactive, I won’t be checking my Facebook, twittering, or doing anything related to work.  Shocking, I know.  Withdrawals?  Maybe.  Good?  Most definitely!

Some have asked if I will be nervous leaving theMILL for that long.  The answer is an easy and confident “NO.”  I feel lucky to have an exceptional MILL staff and leadership team in whom I have full confidence.  I have no doubt that they will carry the weight of leadership for the next several weeks with grace, being directed by the Spirit of God.

Thank you all for making it easy to do this and thank you to New Life for making a sabbatical possible.

See you in 6 weeks.

Faith or Wisdom?

Just the other day someone asked me a great question.  “Where is the line between faith and wisdom? If we are supposed to live by faith and wisdom is about planning and the future, where does wisdom fit into a life of faith?” Are these virtues mutually exclusive?  Can they walk in harmony with each other, enhancing and leaning on one another?

The Bible is clear that we are to be people of faith.  Hebrews 11:1-2 begins the chapter that praises those who have lived by faith by saying “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  This is what the ancients were commended for.”  Uncertainty is a necessary condition for faith.  Faith is not faith if we know the outcome.  Throughout the teachings of Jesus is the push for a heart filled with trust.   Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all his possessions to indicate a life fully engaged in faith in God. Luke 18:8 highlights the ultimate and eternal importance of faith when Jesus says “When the son of man comes, will He find faith on the earth?”  Jesus challenged the Pharisees to stop trusting in their knowledge and traditions so that they could find fullness of life outside of legalism.  And Jesus doesn’t just communicate a “have faith” mentality without helping his followers understand the caring nature of the Father.  Jesus knows firsthand that it is safe to seek first the Kingdom of God and trust their future to Him.  Faith is a baseline criterion in the Kingdom of God.

But the Bible has a great deal to say about wisdom as well.  Proverbs 4:5-7 says “Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them.  Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.  Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” Jesus grew in wisdom (Luke 2:52) and James 1:5 says we should ask God for wisdom if we lack it and He will give it generously.

I have a friend who doesn’t manage his finances well, lives paycheck to paycheck, doesn’t set a budget and then proclaims that he is “living by faith” that God is going to help him pay his bills.  Sometimes money shows up unexpectedly but is that faith or just sloppy living?

Another friend budgets to the penny, watches his investments with an eagle-eye and frets when the stock market is down or an unexpected expense derails his savings plan. He would never be accused of sloppy living but is so tightly in control that, on the surface, it leaves little room for God.  Are either of these guys living by faith?

I suggest that there is a balance between these two extremes.  Living by faith is not about God covering for our sloppy living and lack of planning or holding tight-fisted to our future.  It is giving God all our planning and wisdom so that we are able to trust Him as He leads us.  Proverbs 16:9 highlights this balance, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

What does such a life look like?  Well, come to think of it, I have another friend of mine who has a good budget and savings plan but gave a car away because God told him to.  He had plans for the money he would make from that car but trusted God’s leading.
 
Wisdom and faith can and should compliment one another. In some ways, it reminds me of the story of Joseph.  Sold as a slave to Egypt, Joseph showed evidence of wisdom – he found favor everywhere he went and was recognized as a good manager. He exercised integrity, fleeing the advances of his boss’ wife.  Yet he was misunderstood, imprisoned, and forgotten by his fellow inmates.  Joseph had to exercise faith that God would lead him in the midst of difficult circumstances, but he also lived a life of wisdom.  This finely tuned balanced helped him protect Egypt from a famine and preserved God’s chosen people.  We would be wise to pay attention to Joseph’s example -- using the mind God gave us to think critically and to see where God is leading us in a life of faith.

Watch Your Mouth

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a guest post from Daniel Grothe. He is an associate pastor for theMILL.  He oversees small groups and theMILL at Northern Hills.  He has a wife named Lisa, a daughter named Lillian and a son on the way whose name is yet to be disclosed. I thought this was an excellent follow-up to last week's post Must Reads for Every Pastor.  Enjoy.]

Lillian, my twenty-three month old, has changed the way I talk, or at least the way I think about talking. Thankfully, since she has come along I have not had to scrub many words from my vocabulary, but I have had to work on using them more correctly, more literally. I learned this lesson when I told her, an 18-month-old at the time, to “hit the rock.” In my vernacular it means “hit your fist against my fist,” much like Michael Jordan and John Paxson used to do after connecting on a fast-break, alley-oop dunk. In Lillian’s mind a rock is the hard substance, fun to chew on and throw, that outlines the perimeter of our yard. She was beginning to grasp its meaning—until I messed it up by using the aforementioned slang phrase. Her progress in her quest to successfully acquire language was temporarily impeded by her “silly daddy.”

The loss of and change in word meaning was not unfamiliar to Jesus.Take for instance the misunderstanding of the colossally important word, Messiah. Scripture and historical evidence point to the fact that a large portion of people (the sword-swinging, ear-severing apostle Peter included!) interpreted the word Messiah through a political filter. That may be why Jesus used the word sparingly, not wanting to give cause for the perpetuation of its misuse. This might also partially answer why Jesus didn’t want certain people to disclose who healed them because Messiah, to them, was skewed—a political over-thrower and power gatherer!

The irony should not be lost on us—Jesus, the “Word made flesh,” could not keep the word that most accurately described him from being redefined and misconstrued, even among his closest friends. As sad as that is, should we really be surprised? We are pros at this work of redefinition. Our market-driven culture has successfully changed the word “beauty” from an inner wholeness displayed outwardly into an utter neglect of the inward for the sake of the outward.

Vocationally, I encounter this on a daily basis. The title “pastor” gives me the opportunity to be with people who have real desires and needs; they need a wedding performed, want a nagging habit obliterated, hope for an answer to their crisis at work or home. This is one of my favorite things to do and a great honor. But here’s the reality—some of these people don’t want anything to do with God. They just want their wedding done, their habit gone, their crisis fixed; and they’ve been trained to come to the pastor for this. The problem? Historically, pastor has never designated one who dispenses helpful products to efficiently meet consumer needs. They can get a wedding cheaply done in Vegas or find a “quick fix” for their problem on late night infomercials. Pastors are called to be spiritually-minded companions, able to encourage and, in some cases, challenge people to live lives of obedient submission to Jesus...to the Messiah.

Lillian’s experience and Jesus’ reality direct our attention to a critical issue—namely, the recovery of words. In The Contemplative Pastor, Eugene Peterson says that pastors “treat words with reverence, stand in awe before not only the Word, but words, and realize that language itself partakes of the sacred.” But it’s not just pastors who hold this responsibility; we’re all in on this and the stakes are high. Words must be treated as sacred. Why? Because they are the life-forming or life-destroying tools we use most often and in our most important work—the work of engaging with a human soul. 

Is what I am talking about easy, this work of being faithful to the meaning of words? Absolutely not. Our understanding of words is largely informed by our unique histories and experiences. A child who is savagely beaten by a hot-headed father or neglected by an abdicating mother has no other grid for processing the meaning of the word “nurture.” However, nurture, regardless of one’s unique lens, must ultimately transcend personal experience. The meaning of words cannot be subjective at base, left to be defined by the whim of a father’s actions or a culture’s ever-changing preferences.

For all of you literature lovers out there, does this mean we should castrate our vocabularies and do away with imagination, mystery and poetry, settling for a strictly literal mode? Not at all. (I’d rather attempt climbing Kilimanjaro in the middle of a mudslide than read literature with pulse-less words.) What I am saying is that, as believers, we must recognize and take the “exact or primary meaning” of words seriously.

Must Reads for Every Pastor

“What book do you recommend?”  That’s a pretty common question that gets floated around in meetings, conferences, and interviews.  It is always fascinating to hear what books have been impacting to different people.  When it comes to pastors who ask this question, titles like Good to Great by Jim Collins, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni, or Purple Cow by Seth Godin are common favorites.  The recommendation list is long in reference to leadership and running an organization but what about being a pastor?  Books on leadership and the principles they teach are good but have we turned the pastor into a CEO rather than a shepherd?  Has the role of “spiritual director” been pushed to the periphery?  Has development in the pastoral vocation been traded for development in management savvy?

Our culture is driven by the free market which puts the consumer in the driver’s seat.  As a result, leaders of companies that provide goods and services to the consumer must learn to grow and excel in organizational leadership, management efficiency and marketing prowess in order to survive.  Though these skills top the priority list for business leaders, these are not the primary skills that must be developed in the life of a pastor.  The core question to be answered is “What is driving what?”  Meaning, is your pastoral work being driven by leadership and management principles or is your leadership being informed by pastoral values?  The difference is huge and I pray that we have not become so influenced by culture that we have replaced the primary for the ancillary.  So, what books do I recommend specifically for pastors?  Thanks for asking…

The Knowledge of the Holy

 by A.W. Tozer - Our view of God shapes everything.  Tozer will challenge your understanding of God by masterfully unpacking the attributes of God.  We are all in orbit around God, pastor included, so knowing who He is and what He does is vital.

I recommend any and all books by Eugene Peterson (he is most commonly known as the translator of The Message Bible) but specifically point to these four books.

Under the Unpredictable Plant – Using the story of Jonah as a metaphor, Peterson develops the idea of “vocational holiness” and calls pastors to their true purpose.

 

 

Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work – In an attempt to help pastors be more effective, Eugene points to the Old Testament for wisdom. His practical-theological insights include prayer-directing, story-making, pain-sharing, nay-saying and community-building.

 

Working the Angles – Just as the lines of the triangle don’t make a triangle without the proper angles, the actual tasks of the pastor are only as valuable as the substance of what supports them.

 

 

The Contemplative Pastor - Peterson describes the term "pastor" with the adjectives: un-busy, subversive, and apocalyptic – a great challenge to the many paradigms of our culture.

 

 

Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey – Life does not always work out the way we want it to and times of crisis and difficulty create disappointments that can be hard to navigate. Pastors have the task of walking with people through those times.  Yancey looks at suffering and the questions we are often scared to ask.

 

The Other Side of Pastoral Ministry by Daniel Brown – Written by a long time pastor, the effectiveness of ministry is not found in numbers but rather in fruit and involvement in the community of believers.

 

 

Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem – Big theology books are not reserved for seminarians and must get frequent use by pastors.  Our theology must inform our practices rather than experiences defining our theology.

In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen - this little book is packed with insight on the life of a Christian leader.  He  brings the reader back to the freshness of the basics by emphasizing identity in Christ and the vitality of authentic relationships.

Thoughts on Singleness, Sacrifice and Celebrating: a follow up to "Contentment in Singleness"

[NOTE: This is a guest post from Noelle Goodlin. She is theMILL Women's Pastor.  She has a Masters in Counseling, a B.A. in Psychology & Literature and a husband named Jacob.]

It seems that I may have struck a chord! Aaron was gracious enough to give me the floor one more time to offer a response to some of the ideas raised by my post "Contentment in Singleness: is it possible?".

First, let me begin by acknowledging that the issues of marriage and singleness are complex and not easily addressed within one blog. This subject is one that has been covered so many times that it can be difficult to separate out what the Bible has to say with the hundreds of other voices weighing in on the subject. Many of us may have painful memories, emotions, insecurities, failures and successes attached to these topics. As with everything that engages our hearts, this subject is deeply personal and I would never presume to speak as if I have all the answers – I do not. With that said, here are a few follow-up responses:

Sacrifice Marriage for Christ. Should we be willing to be single for the cause of Christ? Yes. To give one’s life to Christ is to live completely surrendered to Him. Any desire takes second to the desire for God’s lordship. However, marriage is not an American or a man-made idea. It is God’s idea. For thousands of years, families have created an environment where God’s ways of love, truth, forgiveness and faithfulness can be witnessed day in, day out. I believe both marriage and singleness can advance the kingdom of God and both can be, and are, sacrificial if lived correctly. 

Are All Our Desires Fulfilled? No…at least not in this life.  I do believe it is possible to desire marriage and not know when or if it will be fulfilled. As I said originally, living with that unknown in any area of life propels us to deeper places of trust and surrender to God in which our heart’s cry becomes, “I want You, God, most of all.”

Is the Desire for Marriage Simply Lust in Disguise? No! I believe any desire allowed to run rampant in our hearts can become lustful. That was my precise reason for writing the blog – I experienced a longing for marriage that threatened to rule me. My journey was one of letting that desire find its proper place through trusting God. Are some people lusting for marriage? Probably. Does that mean the desire for marriage is the same as lust? I don’t think so.

Celebrating Singleness. I do believe that singleness should be more celebrated within the church than it is.  There is a temptation to believe that marriage equals arrival within Christian culture. A person’s relationship status does not indicate something about their value or worth to the body of Christ. A few of my best friends are single and I can’t imagine my life without them. It is who they are – not their marriage status – that makes them invaluable to me.

Finally, I have spent the last several years pastoring MILL girls and I find them to be full of purpose, willing to grow, servant-oriented and in love with God.  I love them very much and believe that Christ is at work in them.

Contentment in Singleness: is it possible?

[NOTE: This is a guest post from Noelle Goodlin. She is theMILL Women's Pastor.  She has a Masters in Counseling, a B.A. in Psychology & Literature and a husband named Jacob.]

I don't know about you, but I love hearing people's love stories. As a single person, it encouraged me to hear the ups and downs of other people's courtships -- especially when it ended in marriage. Those stories re-kindled my sometimes flagging hope that one day I would find my life partner too.

In a subtle way, I suppose my interest in others' stories was my way of searching for a formula which might help create my own. I had fully anticipated meeting my husband in college. College came, college went -- no prospects. A couple of years after graduation, I met a man and fell in love, certain that he was the ONE. We broke up, I cut my hair off as an act of mourning. Back to no prospects.

As I hit my mid-twenties and inched toward thirty, I began to wonder if God really cared about this matter as much as everyone told me He did. To be honest, nothing really indicated that He gave it the time of day. So I took matters into my own hands, probing people's relationships and reading books, searching for the key to success. Flirt more? Play hard to get? Several ideas were batted around but one consistently floated to the surface in my Christian circles. It went something like this: "It was when I didn't care about getting married at all that my husband showed up." I don't know how many times I heard some variation of this theme. So I tried my very hardest not to care. I would look in the mirror (not really, but you get the idea) and say, "Self, you don't care if you ever get married. You don't want to get married. You are perfectly content to live alone the remainder of your life."

It didn't work. No matter how hard I tried, I could not kill my desire to get married. The reality was that I cared very much. If I was honest, deep down I really wanted to get married and have a family. And no amount of effort was able to banish the wish. Why? Maybe because marriage is created by God and the longing for it is God-given. That makes sense if you look at how things started: God created Adam and put him in the garden. But God saw that it was not good for him to be alone and so he told Adam to name the animals and look for a mate. It's almost laughable -- bears, cheetahs, and giraffes as a companion for Adam. God is no dummy -- He is all-knowing and he knew that Eve was coming. Do you think he was caught off-guard that an animal didn't satisfy Adam's longing for companionship? I highly doubt it. So why take Adam through such a process? Perhaps God needed to teach Adam about his longing for marriage and how to trust Him, Creator and Father, in the process so that, when he found it, he would be ready.

And what of this rumor that marriage comes to us when we no longer care about it? I suggest that it is not about achieving a state of indifference but rather that the desire finds its proper resting place. It may sound like verbal semantics but the implications of these ideas are quite different. Song of Solomon gives a pretty strong argument for the power of romantic longing and sexual desire; yet, it also issues the caution of being careful to not "arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Then what are we to do?

As Christians, we are invited to live a God-surrendered life. Any desire -- God-given or flesh-derived -- is to be submitted and entrusted to our Heavenly Father. Marriage is godly and wonderful. Nothing is wrong with it and, unlike sinful cravings, you probably won't be able to kill your longing for it. That doesn't mean, though, that we allow it to rule us. The word arouse as used in Song of Solomon implies a choice to stir the pot, if you will. The Message translation says, "Don't excite love, don't stir it up until the time is ripe." What does that look like?

Unfortunately, it's probably not formulaic. God seems to love working things out in the hearts of his children through relational, trust-oriented methods. Psalm 37:4 does come to mind: Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Rather than claiming this as an if/then statement (that would be formulas talking again!), what if we approached it as a prayer: "God, I want to be married. At times, I feel like it consumes me and I am helpless to do anything about it. But I love You and choose to trust in You. I believe You care about the things that matter to me. I believe You are a good Father who wants what is best for me. You are Lord over this area of my life and I leave it in your hands."

Four years after I began to wrestle with these ideas, I married a wonderful man. I never lost my desire to be married and, to be honest, I never stopped wrestling with it. The choice to trust God with my future was, and is, a daily one. Indeed, life seems full of these deeply placed longings and subsequent vulnerabilities which push us to greater points of surrender and letting go. That is where the growth is and, for that reason, I am thankful for the process.

Break-ups, Selfishness, and Friendlationships

Last week I posted a blog called “Long Distance Relationships, Dating People You Won’t Marry and the Gift of Singleness” where I answered relationship questions I recently received from Air Force Academy cadets.  I promise that this blog won’t be turning into “Dear Abby” but, due to the strong response, I decided to answer a couple more including a few questions that “Sarah” posted in a comment.

Is it possible to become friends after a break up?
It is possible but not likely, especially if the relationship was serious.  The idea of “just being friends” smacks of idealism.  After a relationship ends, healing and readjustment to single life are normal and will happen best when there is time and distance.  One of the dynamics I have seen repeatedly is the desire to be a “friend” after a break up and take care of the other person.  The motives are good but you have to let it go, know that you aren’t the one to offer comfort and help, and trust that God has someone else to walk alongside them.  Jumping straight from dating to friends is nearly impossible due to the history and emotional ties.  My recommendation is that you separate and let the relationship become whatever it becomes.  Don’t put pressure on it.

What are some helpful ways to overcome break ups, especially when someone breaks up with you but you still love them?
The goal is to let them go.  The best way I know to help that process happen is to forgive and break soul ties.  If you still love them and didn’t want the relationship to end, then I would guess that you are hurt and need to forgive them.  You might feel that they owe you an explanation, an apology or a second chance. When we are in pain from someone else’s decision, forgiveness releases them from the debt that you feel they owe you.  Depending on how serious and/or physical your relationship was, chances are that you formed emotional, physical, and spiritual soul ties with that other person.  Soul ties are deep, binding connections that happen between two people – they can be positive or negative. For example, a husband and a wife share a soul tie. This connection is both positive and necessary. Negative ties are broken through prayer, repentance and renouncing (Renouncing is simply verbally agreeing to break connections with the other person.) Here is a simple sample prayer to break soul ties.

"God, my desire is that my heart belongs completely to you and that I would not be connected in unhealthy ways to others, so I break any negative soul ties I may have with __________.  I renounce the emotional, physical and spiritual ties I established with _________, and ask for complete separation and healing in my heart so I would be available to move forward and embrace all that you have for me.  Amen."

What is the hardest part of marriage?
Selfishness.  The biggest temptation that every married person will fight throughout their lives is living for their own good.  The commitment made in the wedding vows to lay down one’s life and live for their spouse’s good is more than just pretty language.   These commitments are made daily and the opportunities to violate them are endless.

How do you build a solid friendship without getting into a friendlationship?
For anyone that doesn’t know the definition of a friendlationship, it is a relationship that is not solely a friendship or clearly a committed relationship.  Most dating relationships go through this phase, even if it is for just a short period of time -- the goal is to not stay there.  Living in “friendlationship land” is dangerous as it involves the sharing of emotions and the building of intimacy without any commitment.  The key to keeping a friendship from getting into the friendlationship zone is communication.  Talk about where you are at in the relationship, what you do or do not want, and your expectations for the future.  If, without communication, feelings start to build in a friendship, a friendlationship will ensue